


All the Words left unspoken

by greengem11



Category: Pretty Little Liars, spoby - Fandom
Genre: Confrontation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Past Drug Addiction, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Pregnancy Scares, dealing with all the shit Marlene put them through, no more shy high school spoby, spoby working on their communicative skills, they're my babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24745111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greengem11/pseuds/greengem11
Summary: This is not a continuous chronological story at least not a long one. Spencer and Toby talking through their shared traumas including the Spencer and Caleb incident, the pregnancy scare, Alex Drake raping Toby and him thinking it's Spence...because it's what we deserve.
Relationships: Spoby - Relationship, Toby Cavanaugh/Spencer Hastings
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. We need to talk pt.1

It's been three hours since Alex, Spencer and Toby have had the pleasure to realize in what kind of mad world they've been put into. Although one must say Alex seemed to have been pleased by that madness.

Alex...Alex...Alex a now well dreaded name for Spencer not only for her but also for her friend or who she for the moment has to accept as a friend rather than a lover. Alex Drake, AD or the infamous devil emoji is the only thing that is going through their minds during their car ride back to the barn. Bullshit, Alex is not the only thing swallowing all their thoughts. All this trauma that has been caused over the last few years back in Rosewood is running laps in their minds. That was another lie, the trauma wasn't only caused by the British twin psychopath but also by themselves. And that is what's really pissing Spencer off the fact that if her stubborn self and the man next to her trying to act calm and collected while driving on the empty and ironically enough peaceful streets of Rosewood. Which he in fact manages to do well, but no matter how calm he pretends to be Spencer knows that the exact same loud, nerve wrecking and explosive thoughts are rushing through his head. Yet she doesn't speak, because she knows that sooner or later their unspoken thoughts will become too loud and too vivid to be kept inside. A lot of them have already become too loud a long time ago. The car stops in front of her now not so beloved barn, Toby removes his seat belt and says 

''We're here.''

"Toby'' She says. He knows what's coming next, he knows that they need it. They need to fucking talk. 

"Come inside with me, will you." As much as it may seem like a question, it's really not, because she's sick of asking questions. She doesn't want to wait for answers anymore, waiting and hiding has caused nothing but a huge grey cloud of damaged thoughts, confusion and sadness. 

"Ok."

They step out of the car, Spencer unlocks the door, throws the keys on the floor and says 

"I'm gonna leave this motherfucking barn and I'm gonna continue getting my shit together, but this time you're gonna help me, because I can't do this alone and neither can you."

Toby goes and sits on the couch. He decided that at this point there's no one to fool, not even himself. There's no purpose in pretending that he's shy and nervous, because he just wants answers to the thoughts that have been keeping him awake at night.

She sits in front of him and scoffs "I don't even know where to begin." 

"Well Spence hate to break it to you but we have to start somewhere." Wait let me help you out, how about you tell me how and why the hell you have a twin?"

"Ohm that's a good one.'' She says dryly "Turns out that my lovely narcissistic father didn't only cheat on my mom with Jessica, nope he also screwed her twin sister Mary Drake.'' Do you want to know how that happened, Mary pretended to be Jessica since she wanted revenge. My dad thought she was Jessica they fucked in a bathroom diner and that's how I in all of my glory was conceived. "Do you need a minute?'' she asks through glassy, red eyes.

He looks at her sympathetically with big blue eyes and says " I don't know honestly." "So you're telling me that Veronica isn't your biological mother but Mary Drake is , who is Jessica's sister ?" 

"That's not even the half of it not only was Iconceived that night, but my twin sister Alex, if that's even her real name. But by the time we were born Mary was in Radley, because I don't even know why, but I'm just gonna assume that my dad and Jessica put her there to stay quiet. My mom decided to adopt me and they put Alex in an orphanage in England. "But you wanna hear what's really ironic? She says her voice slowly growing louder, but still kept under control. "I was born in the same mental institution that I was checked in to 16 years later. "Well guess crazy runs in the family." She yells, even though she might be yelling she still has tears streaming down her face like a waterfall. Because as much as anger is a way to cope with things, at some point one must swallow their pride and realize they can't always be strong and angry. And so anger turns into sadness and sadness turns into a ball of self pity.

"Spence don't say that" he says with tear droplets on his face. "Please , please don't say that ever. "You're the sanest out of all of us. If any of us would've been through remotely anything similar like you, we or I would've killed myself or begged someone to do so."

"There's more to the story...Alex was jealous of my life and wanted revenge for Charlotte so she took over the game. But not only did she take over the game, she also took over my life. She wanted to be me and so she became me.." She says casually as if that happens to someone everyday, but they're used to this crazy shit happening to them on a daily basis by now, so yeah she has every goddamn right to say it casually.

"I know. I put two and two together, I mean you suddenly showing up at my cabin after avoiding my offer like a plague or you saying that your love to me is one-sided. I mean I just didn't understand why you thought that, I couldn't understand why after that night at the cabin or in the hotel room where I kissed yo...nevermind. It just it hurt thinking that you only wanted to hook up with me and that's why you never talked about these nights or called. It seemed so unlike you, but I just brushed it off, I told myself she probably just changed. Time had changed her, but now it all makes sense." 

Spencer slowly gets up and kneels in front of Toby. She hesitates before talking his bigger hands into hers and says while crying and sniffling

" I hate her for doing this to you. I want to kill this bitch, hell I still want to strangle Jenna every time I see her for putting you through hell for I don't even know how many years. I'm so sorry Toby."


	2. We need to talk pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of their conversation.

Spencer, please don't apologize.''

,,Toby I know how what Jenna did to you made you feel. I remember when you'd wake up sweating and shaking after thinking Jenna had made your father believe you'd raped 

her. God, all that trauma Jenna caused you, I just don't want you to go through all of it again.''

Toby felt ashamed of himself, thinking he could lie to Spencer tell her he's fine and that Alex sleeping with him didn't trigger him. As if Spencer didn't know him. She would know that he's lying to her. It's ironic, how after all these years full of lies, terror, blood and tears being shed, sometimes telling a lie is easier that facing our hard to bear realities.,

''Spencer, look... '' 

''Don't lie to me, please be completely honest with me, because how can we say we care about each other, if we can't tell one another the hard truth?'' 

I know she's right of course, she is.

The atmosphere in that damned barn was heavy and raw. As if all of their heartbreaks, breakdowns, tears and demons were all swirling around in that barn all at once. Where they had unforgettably horrible fights, in which spiteful words have been screamed into each other's faces, the fights, where things would be thrown or broken as defense to something either one of them said to the other in the middle of their disputes. Toby would often enough storm off in the middle, at some point Spencer didn't seem to care anymore, she's used to it. But every time she just wanted to go after him and tell him to go fuck himself and she'd be lying if she says, she hasn't done so, when it all escalated. But it was also the barn where they had had countless make outs, rushed and chaotic sex, which was haunted by the fear that her parents will probably walk in any minute and the best nights of their lives, because they'd stay up all night lost in each other's thoughts and words, while listening to some random songs Spencer newly discovered although they'd have to admit that they usually weren't sober during these beautiful nights, the nights in the barn, where they'd constantly express they're so everlasting and irreplaceable love.

''Of course, Alex triggered me, I mean how can she not?'' ''But you know what's worse this time?'' The person, who raped me looks exactly like you.'' That last sentence left Toby's mouth as a whisper, slowly regretting what he had said. Spencer knew that that was true and she was aware of that, but hearing Toby say it out loud, even though she told him to tell her the truth and to be blunt, it stung.

''But you know what Spencer, I know that Alex triggered you too. A.D triggered all of the trauma you and the girls have been through and left you feeling the same helpless way that Charlotte made you feel. And Spencer even though I wasn't there all the time after high school, I saw what demons Charlotte has made you carry in you, even after it all apparently ended." ,,Alex triggered both of us in many ways, some different than others but she did something even cruller than that, she makes us remember every horrible and malicious thing she did to each one of us just by looking at each other." ,,She used our biggest weakness to bring us down and Spencer you are my pressure point, because you are the one thing in this universe I care about so deeply it hurts me in a way nobody could ever hurt me."

Spencer was crying, she asked herself how many tears she'd still have to shed for this all to be over. She loves him, she adores him, she cares about him so much it's a little concerning, but she didn't want to rush into anything with him, because she knows how vulnerable the both of them are right now. She also knows that being vulnerable is a state they both will be in for a while, it won't just pass. This vulnerability isn't comparable with the vulnerability one feels after an incredible orgasm or your feelings getting the best of you in a place full of strangers, it's the vulnerability, where people confess things to each other which they were both awfully and incredibly aware of and then feeling stupid for not just saying it in the first place. It's the vulnerability that comes with regret and sorrow.

,,This really sucks." she says while to her own confusion chuckling, which earned her a confused look from Toby. But it clicked for Toby and he started smiling too, because he realized that they've been through so much individually and together and yet every time they survived it. 

He realized that after him and her managed to make it through the loss of a wife, the pain of finding out you aren't who you were taught you are, the pain of seeing someone you love with someone else and them being happy with them and for the grande finale seeing someone you love feeling utterly confused, helpless and hopeless. They've been through it all and they'll definitely get through whatever life decides to throw at them but this time they'll get through it together once and for all.

,,What now?'' Toby asks.

,,How about we start telling each other what happened in our lives from the moment we broke up, including how you met Yvonne, how I got together with Caleb, A.D, the pregnancy scare everything. You know we might as well continue with the being honest thing, while it lasts." ,,Should I start?" she asked to encourage him.

,,Please."


	3. We need to talk pt.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet another one. lmao im sorry I suck absolute ass at summaries

Spencer lets out a shaky breath, her throat dry and scratchy "I was stubborn and stupid to just admit to you that I was scared to disappoint you..." "Disappoint me? How ?"

"Toby maybe you weren't aware but I didn't grow up in the most loving household." "Growing up I rarely felt loved, of course, I understand by now that my parents and Mel love me....at least mom and Mel do, they just had a unique way of showing it." "And I know that you grew up under shitty circumstances as well, much worse and harder than mine but somehow you remained an understanding, loving, gentle and caring person." "I struggle with that and I don't ever want my kids to feel neglected and unwanted, because that feeling of not being enough will haunt them for the rest of their lives, I don't wanna be a bad mother, you know the Drake family has a history of absent and crappy moms...knowing that you will be the greatest most loving father there will ever be, I can't compete." There aren't any tears left for Spencer to release them, but if there were she'd be bawling.Toby gets up and goes over to the bigger beige couch, where Spencer's sitting with her head in both of her hands after confessing the fear and the insecurities of motherhood that she was too proud to admit. Another hidden layer of vulnerability laid bare. They weren't a couple that needed a lot of words to understand what they needed or wanted but maybe it was time to use a directer way of communication no matter how vulnerable or uncomfortable this is bound to become."How could I have been so blind, If I wouldn't have been so stubborn and convinced that I wasn't enough for you...if I wouldn't have let my insecurities get in the way and listened instead of leaving like the naïve, stubborn asshole that I am maybe we would have still been an us." Spencer lifted her head up and looked at him with soft yet dull eyes "If we would be thinking about all the what ifs and maybes, we would come to the conclusion that humans are morons, who don't fucking know what's actually best for them." "Don't bury your head in your hands, Spence, look at me." Gently removing her hands from her temples and taking them into his. "Oh, Spence...I always knew you were stubborn and hard on yourself but delusional ?" "You'd kick motherhood in the ass, Spencer how can you not see that because of how you felt growing up you will do everything in your power to prevent your kids from feeling so, you said it yourself."" Stop underestimating and devaluing yourself, god I don't understand how you can't realize what a selfless, loving, tender and most importantly strong and strong-willed woman you are and I know deep down in the unexplored corridors of your brain you know what you're capable of, but feel ashamed of for once giving yourself credit for it." 

Spencer gets up and walks tiredly to the kitchen, gets a wine glass and pours herself a pinot noir "I've been doing this a lot lately, helps to ease my mind when it thinks about how stupid I am to come back here." D'you want some ?" "I don't want some I need the entire bottle" "I'm gonna dismiss your comment on how much alcohol you've been consuming lately, but Spencer be careful you know your history with substance abuse." His voice taking a turn into a more serious tone. Spencer came back holding to glasses and handing one to Toby already anticipating her drink. "Spence....?" "Yeah ?" It's 4am right now and I was wondering if I could maybe sleep on your couch and we can continue talking tomorrow ?"   
"Of course, Toby can I ask you something? " Sure." Can you sleep next to me tonight I'm just really sick of sleeping alone."   
They drank their wine while thinking about this bizarre situation they've been put into...again. At about 5am they decided that their exhausted bodies and brains needed a break so lethey headed to the bedroom, Spencer changed into her night dress not concerned of what Toby might think and gave him some of Caleb's clothes, which he had left in the dresser before he executed his great escape into Hanna's arms. They laid down cuddled into each other's arms and thanked God for not having to sleep alone tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> All opinions and thoughts appreciated!


End file.
